|
These Jokes supplement our November 5th, 2004 Newsletter.
At 82 years old, my husband applied for his first passport.
He was told he'd need a birth certificate, but his birth
had never been officially registered.
When he explained his dilemma to the passport agent, the
response was less than helpful. "In lieu of a birth
certificate," the agent said, "you can bring a notarized
affidavit from the doctor who delivered you."
....The man who fell into the upholstery machine....he's fully recovered!
Proverbs from 1st graders
A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She had twenty-five
students in her class and she presented each child in her class the first half
of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.
It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their
insight may
surprise you. While reading these keep in mind that these are first
graders..... 6-year-olds, because the last one is classic!
1. Don't change horses ............................................ until they stop running.
2. Strike while the ............................................... bug is close.
3. It's always darkest before ..................................... Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of ............................... termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but .............................. how?
6. Don't bite the hand that ....................................... looks dirty.
7. No news ........................................................ impossible.
8. A miss is as good as a ......................................... Mr.
9. You can't teach an old dog new ................................. math.
10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll ............................. stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust ............................................... me.
12. The pen is mightier than the .................................. pigs.
13. An idle mind is ............................................... the best way to relax.
14. Where there's smoke there's ................................... pollution.
15. Happy the bride who ........................................... gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is .............................................. not much.
17. Two's company, three's ........................................ the Musketeers.
18. Don't put off till tomorrow what .............................. you put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and ............ you have to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as .................................... Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not ............................... spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don't succeed ................................. get new batteries.
23.You get out of something only what you ......................... see in the picture on the box.
24. When the blind lead the blind ................................. get out of the way.
And the WINNER and last one!
25. Better late than .............................................. pregnant!
A Musical Jazz interview with Yogi Berra.
Interviewer: "What do expect is in store for the future of jazz guitar?"
Yogi: "I'm thinkin' there'll be a group of guys who've never met talkin' about it all the time."
Interviewer: Can you explain jazz?
Yogi: I can't, but I will. 90% of all jazz is half improvisation. The other half is the part people play while others are playing something they never played with anyone who played that part. So if you play the wrong part, its right. If you play the right part, it might be right if you play it wrong enough. But if you play it too right, it's wrong.
Interviewer: I don't understand.
Yogi: Anyone who understands jazz knows that you can't understand it. It's too complicated. That's whats so simple about it.
Interviewer: Do you understand it?
Yogi: No. That's why I can explain it. If I understood it, I wouldnt know anything about it.
Interviewer: Are there any great jazz players alive today?
Yogi: No. All the great jazz player alive today are dead. Except for the ones that are still alive. But so many of them are dead, that the ones that are still alive are dying to be like the ones that are dead. Some would kill for it.
Interviewer: What is synchopation?
Yogi: That's when the note that you should hear now happens either before or after you hear it. In jazz, you dont hear notes when they happen because that would be some other type of music. Other types of music can be jazz, but only if they're the same as something different from those other kinds.
Interviewer: Now I really don't understand.
Yogi: I haven't taught you enough for you to not understand jazz that well.
Inner peace
I am passing this on to you because it has definitely worked for me and at this time of year we all could use a
little calm!!!
By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally found inner peace...
The article read:
"The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started."
So I looked around the house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished and before coming to work this morning I finished off a bottle of red wine, a bottle of white, the Bailey's, Kailua and Wild Turkey, my Prozac, some valium and a box of chocolates.
You have no idea how freakin good I feel!
Never Make A Texas Woman Mad
A West Texas Cowboy's wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With super-human strength, borne of fury, and cutting calves, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the tool shed out back of the barn. She put his tally-whacker in a vice, and then secured it tightly and removed the handle.
Next she picked up an old carpenter's saw.
The banged up Cowboy was terrified, and hollered, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off with that rusty old saw, are you?"
The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said, "Nope. I'm going to set this old shed on fire, and go to town for a cold beer. You do whatever you want!
One last political joke.
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him. "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know
where I am."
The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude."
She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."
"I am", replied the man, "How did you know?"
"Well", answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."
The man smiled and responded, "You must be a democrat."
"I am", replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"
"Well", said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met but, somehow, now it's my fault."
If you've learned to speak fluent English, you must be a genius! This little treatise on the lovely language we share is only for the brave. Peruse at your leisure, English lovers. Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France (Surprise!).
Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
Quicksand works slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?
One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend.
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? Is it an odd, or an end?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?
Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all.
That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
And we drive on the parkway and park in the driveway.
P.S. - Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"?
And as Will Rogers said, if the opposite of pro is con, then the opposite of Progress must be Congress!
There that ought to keep you busy pondering until we return next month!
|
