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These Jokes supplement our March 5th, 2005 Newsletter.
New Church Signs
This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade. So remember this story the next time someone, who knows nothing and cares less, makes your life miserable.
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her boyfriend. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?" "We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental!?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste." "Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly, and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope." "That's rich." laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome. "It was wonderful." explained the woman, "Not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old
steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "That's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because, as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."
"Oh, really! What'd he say?"
He said, "Where'd you get the shitty hairdo?"
STUBORN MAN
A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stopped at a nice hotel and took a room, but they only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.
When they checked out four hours later, the desk clerk handed them a bill for $350. The man exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high. He told the clerk that, although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly are not worth $350. When the clerk told him $350 was the standard rate, the man insisted on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appeared, listens to the man, and then explained that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.
"But we didn't use them", the man complained.
"Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager. He went on to explain that they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," said the Manager.
"But we didn't go to any of those shows," complained the man again.
"Well, we have them, and you could have", the Manager replied.
No matter what facility the Manager mentioned, the man replied, "But we didn't use it!" The Manager was unmoved, and eventually the man gave up and agreed to pay. He wrote a check and gave it to the Manager.
The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check. "But sir," he said, "this check is only made out for $50."
"That's right," said the man. "I charged you $300 for sleeping with my wife."
"But I didn't!" exclaimed the Manager.
"Well," the man replied, "she was here, and you could have."
THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER
Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long will this take?" I asked.
"They will grow larger over a period of years", my husband replies.
Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"
Without missing a beat he says "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"
He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy he may even walk again. Stupid, stupid man.
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